Web lecture 5

I think that Long-term Relationships and Conflict is more intense when the couples first start out because they try too hard to make everything perfect and work out just right. And over time as they get use to one another and more comfortable that is why they are able to let things go more easily and have less conflict. Its kind of like the saying of “pick your battles” and after a while the little things that bothered couples in the beginning they are just able to adjust to later. And of course maturity has a lot to do with how often you have conflict in your relationships.

Chapter 15

Within Chapter 15, I found that I could relate to and understand the turning points in family relationships best. We all go through so many turning points with parents. Some we all experience and others we do not. I remember that open moving out to attend college at San Francisco State, some years back that I did in fact have less and less contact with my parents. I remember just trying to come into my own from being out on my own (per say). I think I just felt that I need to enjoy my time away and fend for myself, as much as I could considering my parents were paying for my education and apartment, I still felt that I needed to be an independent. I worked and went to school both in San Francisco so I didn’t feel there was any real need to come home. Of course that was until my time of crisis with some strange roommates and then I found myself coming back home more often for/to depend on that close connection and bond with both my parents. I am thankful that I do feel that my parents have come into our own in the third turning point of communication. I have yet since moved back home from days of going to SF state and now being at SJ state, I have found that my parents do include me on more decisions around the house. I also do appreciate the fact that as they get older and things need to be taken care of and prepared for as they get older they include me and my sibling in their decisions and inform us of all their wishes. Of course the aging of my parents and taking care of things that will need to be taken care of is not something I look forward too, but then again, I don’t think anyone does.

Chapter 13

I really enjoyed reading all of chapter 13. There were so many different areas that I could relate to in this chapter so it was hard to pick just one to blog about. However conflicting styles won out in the end. For me it’s a toss up between what two styles I would say are the best. Collaborating is the first. Isn’t that what any good relationship does, it’s a collaboration of two people in any situation coming together to promote solutions, goals and commitment together? And yes, I can understand that often it takes lots of energy and often feels like more work than anything else. On the other hand I think the style of Compromising is also works best. That’s what life is about, compromising, isn’t it? Any good relationship has its handful of compromising. And although the disadvantages involve scarifies by both people involved, don’t all types have some level of sacrifice to a degree? For example, you may not always want to go with you partner to that rock concert if you like classical but you sacrifice make a compromise and do it because of what the relationship means to you. One style I have been experiencing for a while is that of Withdraw and Avoidance. The story at the beginning of the chapter and this style really hit home for me this week. You see, I have this great job, that I use to love. However, my boss, who I use to be close too hired someone who just doesn’t fit right in our department of three. And over the past 5 years, he is the third person in that position. My colleague is well in a manner of words, unprofessional and very inexperienced for the position they hold. But, for my bosses own personal private reasons, she feels this person is great and perfect for the job. Unfortunately my colleague has not only disrupted the department but also the small company as well. Sadly there is a division between the a few other departments and the one I am in due to this colleague. In any case, my boss and I have become increasingly distant in the last 8 months. My boss has become quite unbearable to work with at times and when we differ or something goes array in our department her and I use the style of Withdraw and Avoid. Whenever I have a problem with my boss and her ethics, my colleague or whatever is going on at the time, instead of confronting her, I just avoid the situation. I mean, my job gives me extreme flexibility with my school schedule and that’s why I keep the job and my mouth shut so that I don’t get fired. I also no longer confront my boss because she isn’t willing to try out any of my solutions I offer because she sees it as a threat of me trying to take over, in which it’s the complete opposite. She use to be great boss and I am only trying to find ways to help fix things but she is closed off to any suggestions. I also don’t confront her anymore because she continues to make excuses for my colleague, such as, they are young and they need to learn and get use to this type of job. And my question to that is, this person was suppose to have experience in the job, they are 25 going on 26, so they aren’t that young and after 8 months of work, when are they finally going to catch on? LOL. So my boss essentially avoids confrontation with me by making excuses to try and make me understand why my colleague is the way they are and that my solutions are just not possible. In addition, anytime that my boss may have a problem or question about my work or a decision I have made, she doesn’t confront me to ask me, rather she sends an email or memo about the situation in hopes that I will respond to her that way in lieu of having a face to face conversation to work the problem. However, I only see my boss as being weak in her attempt to avoid the situation instead of finding ways to fix things. As for Competing style I see that as those people are selfish and Accommodating as weak people as well because they are pleasers and should take care of themselves just as much as the person they are engaging in a relationship with.

Chapter 12

In chapter 12 I found Culture and Self-Construals to be interesting. Perhaps I was more in tune with this section because for my other Comm classes this summer, they focus a lot on different cultures and how we communicate differently and that leads us to where we are today in terms of communication at work, in school and personally with each other. It definitely seems that we communicate and use tactics based on how our culture is. For example, the point about Japanese avoiding conflict and Americans do not. Although I have no real experience with the Japanese culture one on one per say, what I observe if I am in a Japanese community, say at a restaurant, in school or someplace like Japan town, it does seem that Japanese culture does try avoid conflict by focusing more on subtle indirect communication strategies than we do. We are loud society as Americans so it only seems fitting that we’d be more likely to dive in and get into an argument or confront and persist on get someone’s ideas out or giving our expertise spin on something. And in terms of how we and the Korean culture make request again, it seems that these culture tactics sum up pretty good how I view each culture to be. Sometimes, I think are the Europeans and other countries right in thinking that we are the rude culture based on how we communicate? For example, the comparison of the how the Koreans feel that making certain request were imposing on peoples feelings where as Americans are more right in your face, direct and imposing upon one another. It was an interesting and right on the money section for me.

Lecture 4

I really enjoyed the lecture on Relational Dialectics. Since my grandfather has Alzheimer’s I could relate in some way. He (my grandfather) came to stay with my family the week after Father’s day and boy was that really a test to just how to handle things. It’s sad but true, like the wives I and my family and his own wife, my step-grandmother experience the presence-absence, certainty-uncertainty, openness-closedness, and past-present. My grandfather was present but he had no real idea where he was. He kept asking my mother if this was the same house that we’ve lived in or did we move. And when I saw my grandfather not knowing how to use the controls for the tv in our guest room, I asked him if he needed help and he said, “yes, I was waiting for that guy who has been helping me to come in here”, that guy, was in reference to my father, his son, who he clearly didn’t even know. So yes, he is living and we are living with him in the presence-absence. So I often during that week would say “grandpa” and give him a hug or pat him on the back and smile. It was difficult to determine if the ache in his shoulder that he kept complaining about was real or just a tactic to try and get us to take him home so his wife could take care of him because he missed her. He seemed fine, and nothing seemed to really be wrong with his shoulder. Since my grandpa stayed with us while his wife had caterax surgery, it was often difficult in deciding to disclose how she was doing in or explaining why staying with us longer, when he asked if he could go home. In all it was a very difficult weak because my family had never experienced on a day to day basis how bad my grandpa is and how, he really isn’t my grandpa anymore. Sure he’s here but he doesn’t talk to me the same or act toward me the same as he did before when he was of sane mind.

Chapter 11

In chapter 11, I had an OMG moment. In the grave dressing and move on section, I felt like I was reading about my last two years. Yes, I had a break up. And yes, when my boyfriend broke up with me, it was an extremely traumatic event and I felt all the feelings they described in the book because I thought that-that relationship was it, I thought I had found the one. Anyway, I think the outcry and denial stage were the biggest and scariest thing I had ever experienced. I had never before let a break up get to me the way that one did. I did feel panicked, in despair, with draw from others, I didn’t want to do anything, even eating, I was going through it, I felt everything. Sometimes, I feel like I had a real break down, it was a horrible loss. At that point I scared myself a little bit. I never thought I’d be the girl on the floor, not able to get up from crying for days, or the girl who wasn’t ever able leave the house again because I couldn’t cope, or the girl who reacted to the break up the way I did with my crazy desperate actions. It even took me a long time to be able to sleep again by myself. I was so use to having some there all time. Of course I experienced the intrusions now again but I definitely didn’t think I’d ever get past it all. Toward the end of my relationship, I had gone into therapy to work on my issues that were causing problems in my relationship, I got more intense with the treatment when the relationship ended and was on my way to working through it. It’s been 2 years and I’ve finally come to the completion and narratives. I can tell I’ve come to the end stages because a year ago when I went out on a date, I wasn’t ready. I could barely get through lunch and basically hyperventilated on the poor guy and I cried all the way home from the date, partly because I wasn’t ready and I knew it, and partly cried cuz I felt bad for basically freaking out a nice guy who had no real idea what I was going through. But it’s kind of funny that this chapter comes at this particular time in my life. Through my job, there is someone that I met a year ago. Someone I was totally not interested in and rejected their invitation for a date twice before. But after finally really talking to this person for about a week, and him asking again for a date, I’ve accepted. I’m actually looking forward to it. Partly because I have learned so much through my therapy, not just about relationships but how to deal and act around people in a different light and partly because I’m really excited to interact in the my new ways with someone outside of my friends and family. I’m also looking forward to not hyperventilating this time around. But in the end I am thankful that I went through grave mess of the breakup that I did because I learned so much. And I’m grateful that my ex was in my life because he gave me courage to do so much, and go through so much and find out that I can come through it all ok and a better person in the end.

Chapter 10

In chapter 10, I really wanted to talk about the Sharing Tasks section. Of course I was expecting and not surprised that the book brought up the fact of “traditional” sex-role division. This is something that bothers me just a bit. Where and why and how has society allowed these rules of who does what or provides what in a relationship set a president on how genders are represented in a relationship? I don’t like that a man should be the one to mow the lawn and the woman the one to cook. My sister sometimes mows the lawn if her husband is too tired from his hard day at work. Or my brother in-law sometimes makes the dinner or takes care of the children when my sister is too tired from day at work. I understand the whole idea of what is expected but that doesn’t mean that that is the way it has to be. We can in fact change roles and still give the same amount of sharing of tasks in a relationship. I think that sometimes these “traditional” sex-roles hurt a relationship as well. My parents for instance….my mother was always the planner when I was growing up. She would plan where we went on our vacations, what we did and the rest of us, including my father just went along for the ride. Now, as my parents are in the older days of their life my mother often gets frustrated cuz my father never plans anything. And so because somewhere in society it was mapped out that the mother needs to care of the kids and the family and the direction or even in my Latin culture that the mother is one who maintains the family togetherness, now she is left frustrated that my father doesn’t 1. Know how to take on that role and 2. Has no desire too. I think sometimes that these sharing of tasks help to ruin a relationship because expectation of the “traditional” doesn’t happen as one gender would like. If people just instead mapped out in their own relationship what works best for them and what each brings to the table the best then maybe we’d have less divorce.

chapter 9

Escalation in the “positive” sense. That is what chapter 9 did for me in the section called Stages of Relational Escalation. I have always used the word escalation in a negative sense. For example, like the problem or argument or issue only escalated. I never really took a look at escalation in the positive light of how it appears in relationships. I agree that most relationships don’t ever get passed that imitating stage. I think back event to my day today at work. I passed by so many different people just walking to lunch. And of course on a somewhat hot day like today people where all out in the streets of San Francisco. Some people you notice and smile at or say high too and others you just pass by and notice each other, perhaps only because they are about to come toward and bump into because they aren’t paying attention. Whatever the reason, I never really thought of the imitating stage of the escalation process as a predictor. Perhaps now when I pass someone on the street or meet someone new, I may give them a second look and think as to what I may predict about where that relationship may go, if I choose. The experimenting stage, I found funny. Its like all the cheesie stuff that we get out of the way when we escalate to then next stage. LOL. I mean how many times in our life have we all use the same lame lines they use in the book, ie: you middle name, you play chess or ski what do you what on tv, you favorite color, what’s your son or daughters name. But all these little things add up and are need in this stage to get us to the next. Then there is the intensifying stage. I think this one is the most important escalation because its when we really take that risk to jump beyond cheesie and into the meat (the heart of, if you will) of the relationship. Now in this stage we are invested. And once we knew we care we can escalate to the move-in, share stage of integrating. This is the scary stage and questionable stage. What if my other friends don’t like this friend or what if they don’t approve of this boyfriend/girlfriend The integration should not be taken lightly I think. But it also seems to be the more fun stage as well. Finding out that you have more beliefs and values in common and being able to enjoy more activities together or take that step to move in together is a big one. Lastly there is the bonding stage. In this stage, besides blood brothers and weddings it also made me think about the Greek System. Wouldn’t that be the same as the other two examples they give in the book. It is making some kind of announcement right? I mean don’t people have to be publicly initiated? Anyways, I enjoyed the stages, reflecting upon how I have used them in my life and learning to turn an ugly word into a new positive light.

Chapter 8

In chapter 8 I found the apologies and politeness sections really struck me but I’m going with talking about politeness because I don’t think enough people are these days. I do think that people are far more likely to be polite to people in power because they believe they can get something out of them or think it will get them to their goal of whatever that may be. However, I don’t agree that we don’t have to be polite among our closest friends vs. strangers. To some extent we need to keep in mind to be polite to our closest friends as well as strangers. I liked the examples of the wedding because they gave good incites on how to the phrasing of something can still sound polite even when you are essentially kicking people out of the wrong table.

Chapter 7

I do believe that timing is everything. And when people are speaking to one another timing really comes into play. I do agree with the book in that in some situations disclosure should come right away and in other situations, it should wait. But that is the responsibility of the person who wants to convey their message to learn just when the right time or when it is not to disclose information. I do agree with the research that states that if disclosure comes to soon people are seen as less mature. Not only that but also for me I also get a very negative perception about their message and about they may feel in talking with me or my feelings. I do believe that people who disclose to much too soon or phony and are just trying to be liked to a great extent and its almost like they will tell you what they think you want to her in order for them to be liked or whatever their motive may be. However, again, in situations where the disclosure should and needs to come right away, I don’t have that same negative feeling. And yes, if some disclosure comes too soon, I may be more likely to block out the message that the sender is trying to share with me. And yes at times I feel the curvilinear relationship in which as the book states is which positive evaluations of the person disclosing increases up to the point were it gets to intense and then my positives decrease and my negatives increase. It’s better to try and keep the disclosures on an even playing field. But just like everything in life, its all about the timing.

Chapter 6

I really enjoyed reading chapter 6 about presenting self. It kind of reminded me of what is said about life as you are in your 20’s your 30’s and then in your 40’s, the different stages we are said to go through. Though I feel like the dramaturgical perspective never stops at the next stage of life because people are always evolving, learning knew things about themselves and having new experiences. So there is always room to act out or play to a different audience or plan out a different script in life. For instance, I have different friends for different things I like to do in my life. So if I am in more of the artsy mood, I’ll go and do that and play that role with those friends vs. my sports affiliated friends or vs. my married friends’ vs. my single friends. And the way I act at school is completely different then how I am at work. I am professional, anal and ridiculous organized and through in my job and the utmost professional and talk as such and that’s probably the reason why I am a workaholic and practically live at work. And depending on the type of client I am talking to or working with my role changes as such and so might my mannerism or tone. However, the school side of me is the exact opposite and works the exact opposite. I speak to no one and usually never participate in class discussions and am usually just that quiet student that comes to class, does my work, never speaks to the instructor and that’s it. However, I always know what to expect in terms of what the first day of class will be like and what expectations are for the instructor because all instructors usually have the same expectations listed on the their syllabus. And it is true; life is just one big stage. And really it is all the same norms but sometimes we just have to look a little bit harder to figure them out. It’s like the saying of same (to be polite and respectful, I’ll say…) “stuff” just a different day.

chapter 14

I found this chapter to be very interesting and scary at the same time. LOL. Evaluting myself is something I never really like having to face and it’s always scary to find new things about yourself. I found that I fit in bother areas of high and low self motioning just depending on the situation. . In conversations I am a high self monitor. I always am more into having people talk about themselves than me talk about myself. I like to know about people and usually find people very interesting. In terms of the view of friendship I am a low self monitor.
I do also find that I have aspects of the loneliness in me. I rarely introduce myself to anyone at all in life. I am usually the girl at the party who is actually having fun but you often would never know it because like the guy sitting on the couch that is me but I enjoy people watching. Often I find my loneliness tends to come from my own perceptions as discussed in previous chapter of how I see people or myself in there eyes, so often I don’t bother. However, I do feel I am lucky in that I only have situational loneliness and chronic. Like for instance, my take on school. For a long time in college it didn’t bother me that I didn’t know anyone in school. However, when I told my friends or family about this, they found it odd. But for me, I felt, I am a transfer student, only there a few hours coming from another city and so I didn’t have time for friends at school. However, now, having made some, it’s not so bad after all.

chapter 5

I do believe that the relational schema is absolutely a conglomerate of self, event, role, and person schema in chapter 5. How we are with our love life, friends, family and job effect what our experiences become and how we process, perceive, react, recognize, stereotype, perceive and reflect to understand others, situations and ourselves and how others see us.

One thing in chapter five I can relate to is stereotypes and attributions. I find that I am always making attributions about things that happen. Something that I have always been guilty of but I blame the increased frequency of it on the fact that I have been in intensive therapy for the last 2 years trying to figure out why it is I do the things I do in my life. So I often find that I do the same when I am trying to understand others behaviors and actions. For example, my boss and I were witness to theft last week. We were the only two customers in a small boutique store when about 6 young kids came in, in a rather swooping manner and ransacked the store stealing 13 very expensive items in all. Now, I knew right away when the kids entered I didn’t want to make any quick judgments about them based on how they were dressed or what type of kids I thought they were based on the type of group they belonged too. However, I did feel within myself a sense of uneasiness just based on the group or category that they belonged to and the one I began to place them in. So I did try and quickly change that by keeping myself busy with other items in the store, though keeping vigilant based on the fact that the way they entered the store made me feel like something was wrong. I wonder, what made them steal? Are these just troubled kids? Where these kids experts and was this the everyday norm for them, seeing as how they seemed to have a method as they went about. Where they part of gang and this was some sort of initiation? Did they just decide to do this for kicks? Where they working for someone? Where they stealing because the items were worth so much money and in this day and age when the economy is so bad and things are getting so expense, did these kids really need to steal in order to resell these items to survive? They didn’t look all that in need. They were dressed in rather trendy, street clothes. I will never really know why they did what they did because they were never caught by security or the police that arrived to take statements. I can only make attributions for their actions.

Chapter 4

In chapter four I really felt that the listening at work I could relate to best because it is something that I am very much experiencing and having to go through at work. I have a coworker whom I share an office with that never listens, and therefore is always making mistakes, forgetting what they are told and always seems to be getting yelled by our boss for something that she had already told him but because he was not listening, disregarded what he was suppose to do. It’s very true that good listening equals good organization and satisfaction in the workplace. For instance, I always give my full attention to whomever I am being addressed by at work and focus so much so that I try my best to take in what they are saying to not only react to what is being said but also so be able to come back with some questions, if needed. I find that I often ad in the behavioral components of the um and uh huh’s as I am listening. And I also do make mental notes of the important points so that I can take them back to my office and sort through them. I have this thing about if you look at someone when they are speaking you are more likely to listen what they have to say because you are focused on them. So I find that when I get a call from a customer or client and I don’t know them, I try and focus on their voice and envision them in front of me telling me what they need. It helps me to just be completely focused on what they are saying. I find that if I am doing to many other things while I’m on the phone it’s very easy to tune someone out.